Episode 118 · Marriage

Navigating the Mental Load of Parenting with Jessica Etting and Sonya Reeser

Guest: Jessica Etting and Sonya ReeserThe SkilledDad Podcast

About This Episode

For this Mother's Day episode, Zach steps into the "lion's den" and hosts two female guests: Jessica Etting, co-founder of the Jam family calendar app, and his wife Sonya Reeser. The conversation centers on "mental load" — the mostly invisible thinking, anticipating, planning, tracking, and executing that goes into running a household, and which disproportionately falls on moms. They break the work into its phases (conception, planning, execution, tracking), reference Eve Rodsky's book Fair Play, and argue that families should run like a small business with a real system so the invisible work becomes visible and shareable. Zach uses meal planning, sports logistics, and group-chat overload as concrete examples of how information gets siloed in one parent's brain. The takeaway for dads: get onto a shared system, come into the "conception" phase instead of just catching the "randomly assigned task" at the end, protect family dinner as connection time, and actually tell your wife she's appreciated.

What You'll Take Away

01

Mental load is real and has distinct phases.

It's not just doing chores — it's the conception (knowing a task exists), planning, execution, and tracking. Most of that lives invisibly in one parent's brain, usually mom's.

02

Making the invisible visible reduces resentment.

When tasks get enumerated on a shared list, couples can actually see whether the split is uneven, decide if they're okay with it, and rebalance — instead of resentment quietly building.

03

Bring the other partner into the "conception" phase, not just the execution.

Dumping only the final step ("get the flowers, get the shoes, by tomorrow") creates the "randomly assigned task" rage. Sharing the source information from the start makes participation possible and fair.

04

Run your household like a small business.

You'd never run a business without a system — schedules, purchasing, tasks, people with roles. Families deserve the same, and chaos is the predictable result of not having one.

05

A system frees the dinner table for connection.

When the logistics live in software instead of in your head, family dinner stops being a "download of everything everyone needs to do" and becomes real relational time.

06

Meal planning is up-front work that saves time, money, and brain space.

More effort on the front end, but it reduces in-the-moment stress, drive-through spending, and downstream problems.

I love that. Making sort of the invisible visible. That is really, really — I'm instantly downloading this app, just so you know.
— Sonya Reeser

Put It Into Practice

Sit down with your wife and enumerate every household task on one shared list — then look together at where the split is uneven and decide if you're okay with it.

Get onto ONE shared family system (calendar + to-do) instead of scattering info across Gmail, texts, team apps, and group chats.

When a recurring event hits the calendar, ask what "invisible" tasks ride along with it (shoes, flowers, tickets, RSVPs) and claim some of them from the conception phase — don't wait for the last-minute handoff.

Protect at least a couple of family dinners a week with electronics away, and use them for connection, not logistics downloads.

This week, directly tell your wife she's appreciated and name something specific she carries. If it feels awkward, treat that as the signal to do it more.

One Email a Week. Worth Your Time.

Practical skills, real stories, and one thing to actually do this week with your family. Written by a dad in the trenches, not a marketing department.

Keep Listening

Marriage

Reconnect Before You Fix: Randy Pryor on Rewiring Your Marriage

Randy Pryor spent 40 years as a comedy magician and juggler before becoming a workaholic and control freak tha…

Marriage

A Mom's Perspective: Preconception Nutrition, Getting "Broken" by Baby #1, and Seeing the Invisible Work

This is the first episode featuring a female guest, and the guest is Zach's wife, Sonya Reeser. (She confirms …

Personal Development

From "Hold My Beer" to "Hold My Medal": Redefining Tough

Zach sits down with Sean Robinson, a Canadian electrician, volunteer firefighter, and author who grew up in a …