Zach sits down with Dr. Larry Waldman, a clinical child and forensic psychologist with roughly 50 years of experience and eight books, to unpack how parents accidentally train the exact behavior they hate. Waldman's core argument: kids crave a parent's undivided time and attention, and most parents hand it over 90% of the time when the child misbehaves and only 10% when the child behaves well — so kids learn that acting out is how you get noticed. He walks through practical tools: reinforce specific good behavior (not vague compliments), stay consistent day to day, use logical consequences, and ignore misbehavior that isn't dangerous, harmful, or destructive. The conversation extends the same principles to marriage, coaching, and leading teams, and closes on the biggest lever of all — being the model your kids actually copy. The throughline is a clear parenting goal: raise an independent, responsible young adult.
Studies Waldman cites show kids get undivided attention ~90% of the time when misbehaving and ~10% when behaving — teaching them that acting out works.
"Good job" is a compliment. Naming the exact behavior ("look how he put his napkin on his lap") is reinforcement, because the child now knows what to repeat.
Master this one skill and you're ahead of 90% of parents.
The same rules apply every day regardless of how much sleep you got; inconsistent homes make kids push limits to find where the line is today.
Whining, procrastination, and sibling arguing are usually attention-seeking; walking out of the room or turning your head removes the payoff.
You're a parent, not a buddy; a boss won't extend a deadline the way mommy and daddy would.
When the dog is sleeping, leave it alone. When the kid is behaving acceptably, leave him alone. It's only when they're not do we interact — and we've got it backwards.
This week, deliberately "catch your kid being good" at least once a day and name the exact behavior out loud ("I like how you put your dishes in the sink without being asked") instead of saying "good job."
Pick one recurring non-dangerous misbehavior (whining, sibling bickering) and practice removing the payoff — turn your head or walk out of the room instead of engaging.
Before your next errand with the kids, set clear expectations at the door in specific terms ("walk by my side, hold my hand, don't touch anything, don't ask for anything") and reinforce along the way, not just at the end.
Write down your one-line parenting goal — "raise an independent, responsible young adult" — and use it as a filter next time you're deciding how to respond to a behavior.
Agree with your spouse on a united front: when a kid tries to play one parent against the other, name it and add a consequence so the tactic fails.
Practical skills, real stories, and one thing to actually do this week with your family. Written by a dad in the trenches, not a marketing department.
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