Zach talks with Scott Stewart, an Oregon speaker and author who grew up adopted in a home ruled by a father with extreme, generational anger. When Scott was 22, his father murdered his mother, later admitted to it, and was also charged with child molestation — and even tried to manipulate Scott into doubting his own reality about the crime. Rather than repeat the cycle or self-destruct, Scott spent nearly a decade in counseling and self-development, doing the "undoing" so he wouldn't pass that wound to his two daughters. The heart of the conversation is his hard-won definition of forgiveness: it is for the person carrying the pain, not the offender, and it is not a one-time event but an ongoing choice he made an estimated 140–160 times over 8–10 years. This is heavy, sensitive material handled with dignity, but the takeaway is practical and hopeful — you don't have to carry the backpack of bricks, and doing the work makes you a better dad, husband, and man.
Scott's father never apologized, never showed remorse, never asked for it — and Scott forgave him anyway, entirely for his own freedom, not one ounce for his father.
It resurfaced at his wedding, at the births of both daughters, at holidays and milestones — and each time he actively chose to forgive again.
If you're holding revenge, anger, or hurt and only compartmentalizing it, you won't actually let go. Wanting to release it is the number one key.
You can look like a good dad while still carrying it — and that buried anger and bitterness leaks out and impairs your effectiveness eventually.
The abuse ran three generations deep; Scott knew that if he didn't heal himself, he'd become a horrible dad and pass it on.
A coworker who refused to accept "I'm fine" and actually meant "how are you?" is what set Scott toward counseling and recovery.
Forgiveness is not for the other person. Forgiveness plays no part for the other person. Forgiveness is for us.
Name the one thing you're still carrying — a parent, a boss, a former friend — and write it down. You can't release what you won't admit you're holding.
Decide you actually want to let it go. If you're still holding revenge or want them to "pay," pause here; wanting freedom is the prerequisite to getting it.
Build the "flex" habit: when the anger twitches up, say out loud (or under your breath) "I choose to forgive [name]," and refuse to let your mind run with it — expect to repeat this many times.
Get the feelings out physically and safely — go somewhere private and yell, scream, or hit a tree with a bat if you need to. Feel it; don't bury it.
If it's beyond self-help (trauma, abuse, loss), find a counselor or therapist and give it real time — and if the first one isn't the right fit, try another rather than quitting.
Practical skills, real stories, and one thing to actually do this week with your family. Written by a dad in the trenches, not a marketing department.
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