Zach sits down with his friend Jake Smith, a former pastor of 21 years who now runs Plumline, doing deep internal work with men. Jake makes the case that most men are well-developed in mind and strength but have let their heart and soul atrophy, and that this gap is what fuels yelling at our kids, controlling our spouses, and never really being present at home. He breaks down the difference between "emotionalism" and actual feelings work, walks through the eight core feelings (and why anger is almost always fear or hurt in disguise), and gives three concrete, do-it-today practices for dads: care for yourself first, bring meaningful presence over activity, and repair, repair, repair. The throughline is honest and practical: you can be a "good dad" on paper and still have a kid who can't reach your heart, but you can change that, and your whole family benefits when you do.
A man can have great theology, problem-solving, and the discipline to show up physically, and still leave his heart and soul undeveloped. Those two systems also need to be exercised.
Of the eight core feelings, anger always has another feeling attached. When you rage at your kids, it is usually fear or hurt projected forward, not the situation in front of you.
You won't give a healthy "crap" about your family's feelings if you don't tend to your own. Turning off work and gear-shifting before you walk in the door is self-care that benefits everyone.
Eye contact, touch, real open-ended questions, and holding space (not fixing) matter far more than the specific thing you do together.
You will mess up. Circle back, own it cleanly, no "but." Getting it right even 4 out of 10 times produces world-class kids, and repair lets you make up for the misses.
With adults you can say and hear "no," but you are responsible for your kids' wellbeing in a way you are not for anyone else's.
I spent most of my life committed to not much more than not having feelings.
Before walking in the door tonight, power down your phone and put it in a drawer; do 1 minute of soul breathing (in through the nose 4 seconds filling the belly, out through the mouth 8 seconds, relax shoulders), then check in: "Where am I at?"
Stick with the gear-shift routine for at least 10 reps before judging whether it "works" — expect the first attempts to feel awkward.
In your next one-on-one moment with a kid, drop the activity focus: make eye contact, ask one open-ended question (not yes/no), and hold space without fixing or giving advice.
Lead by example, not force — turn off your own screen and invite (don't demand) connection; be willing to hear "no."
Run a repair this week: circle back on a moment you mishandled and say "I was wrong, I'm sorry, I love you" with NO "but" attached.
Practical skills, real stories, and one thing to actually do this week with your family. Written by a dad in the trenches, not a marketing department.
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